It's sad that I am losing my mom. She is not doing well. My dad told me that there is nothing they and doctor can really do to help her because it seems like she isn't trying to fight with the illness. I am sad to think about that she might be gone soon. It's not what I had plan, it's none of us had plan.
I have a very confused feeling. I am sad and mad too. I looked at the picture of us about 30 years ago and asking myself where is that relationship go? I don't know since when I started to have very distant relationship with my mom, sometimes after I turned 13 if I have to guess. It is very sad for me that I can't remember any time that I felt that so happy to be with her. It is even sadder when I can't find a memory of being hugged to tied and loved so much from her. I believe she loves me very much, everyone knows her tells me that. But I didn't feel it. She complaint I didn't contact her often, I didn't tell her everything about me or I never listen to her. Those are all true. I did do all that. Why? Because she was never really happy about what I did, because she never try to cheer me up when I fail, because she never felt I am good enough. All I wanted is a mother's love. The kind of love that money can't buy. My mom loves me but she doesn't know how to love me. She tried to do every right thing for me, but all the right things were right for her, not me. She then spoils me with money, bought everything that I want, even to now. I was young and didn't understand why i distant myself from her, and she never understand either.
When I finally got married, have my life back on track, I was planning for the future with her. She was so happy at my wedding, and I think that was the first time in my life that I knew she was pride of me. I dreamed about have her and my dad come to live with me in the U.S. I dreamed about reconnect with her and work on our relationship. I dreamed about she takes care of me after I give birth to her first grandkid and take care of her grandkid like rest of Chinese grandma. I dreamed about show her the country that I have been living for all my adult life and telling her the stories of my stupid years. I dreamed about the day that I have a mom in my daily life. I dreamed about so much more....
But all those dreams are disappearing... ...
I have a very confused feeling. I am sad and mad too. I looked at the picture of us about 30 years ago and asking myself where is that relationship go? I don't know since when I started to have very distant relationship with my mom, sometimes after I turned 13 if I have to guess. It is very sad for me that I can't remember any time that I felt that so happy to be with her. It is even sadder when I can't find a memory of being hugged to tied and loved so much from her. I believe she loves me very much, everyone knows her tells me that. But I didn't feel it. She complaint I didn't contact her often, I didn't tell her everything about me or I never listen to her. Those are all true. I did do all that. Why? Because she was never really happy about what I did, because she never try to cheer me up when I fail, because she never felt I am good enough. All I wanted is a mother's love. The kind of love that money can't buy. My mom loves me but she doesn't know how to love me. She tried to do every right thing for me, but all the right things were right for her, not me. She then spoils me with money, bought everything that I want, even to now. I was young and didn't understand why i distant myself from her, and she never understand either.
When I finally got married, have my life back on track, I was planning for the future with her. She was so happy at my wedding, and I think that was the first time in my life that I knew she was pride of me. I dreamed about have her and my dad come to live with me in the U.S. I dreamed about reconnect with her and work on our relationship. I dreamed about she takes care of me after I give birth to her first grandkid and take care of her grandkid like rest of Chinese grandma. I dreamed about show her the country that I have been living for all my adult life and telling her the stories of my stupid years. I dreamed about the day that I have a mom in my daily life. I dreamed about so much more....
But all those dreams are disappearing... ...