Human is a very complicated being and I am surely one of them.
I don't know what it is, me or this world, I become a bitter person by age. I miss the younger me, so pure and naive, always have compassion to others no matter how much I was let down by them. But now, it's so hard for me to just like people. I always think good of the people, looking for excuses for their behavior, one too many second chances. But I feel by doing all that made me hate them more deeply inside. Like how I feel about Sherry, the love and hate relationship friend I have since 2006. I can't stand her but can't live without her.
Human is a very complicated being and I am surely one of them.
So, I was in a bad mood since my mom's pass. It has been almost a month, but I felt like it has been a long time. I do miss my mom time to time, and the impact of losing her doesn't show on me but comes out within me. There is time that I am just mad/upset at everyone/everything with no good reason; there is time that I just don't want to get out of bed even though I had more than 10 hour sleep; there is time that I just sit in front of computer and watch Chinese TV shows for hours even though I had more important things to do; there is time that nothing in my life seems to be fun or meaningful; and after few weeks of being like that, I know I am depressed.
I feel like I am back at the year 2007 when I had no money, no friends, no family and no future. I know now is much better than then because I actually do have money, friends and family. But the feeling is same. I am actually not going to write about my mom's pass but what made it worse.
My friend Sherry went back to China for good last week, and how do I feel about that? I am mad, feel betrayed, left and dumped in a shit hole. Let's talk about this friend of mine. Sherry. Of cause, it is not her real name, like "Chris" for me. I met her when I was 26 years old, the year 2006 through an old high school friend. I looked like I was at my peak because I was young, beautiful, healthy, wealthy, active, fashionable, had a handsome Japanese boyfriend and a group of smart and fun friends. But the fact is that was just the beautiful peaceful sunset before the darkest night, the quiet calm sky before the snowstorm, which I didn't see it coming. Sherry was only 20 years old and just came to U.S. for a year. She saw me as this person who she could look up to. So, she came in to me with a strong friendship offer. And, I took her in like a younger sister because I saw the younger myself in her. But, she is not younger innocent sister at all.
Couple years of knowing her, I started to noticed she and I aren't good match. She wants everything that I have: My lifestyle, my fashion senses, my knowledge, my friends, which I don't mind of if she has something offer to me too. But I felt she only takes from me and I learned nothing from her. All the relationships are two ways. She started annoys me and I tried to keep distance with her. It was hard because I was lonely. I need a friend, a female friend, a female friend who shares same culture, a female friend who is actually from my hometown. I had no choice but keep in touch with her because after all we do have common topics to talk about.
Our journey of friendship was not an easy one. Sherry has been a very pretty, attractive girl since the day she was born. She had no female friends in high school because all the boys liked her. Unlike her, I wasn't an attractive type, and I had no female friends in high school because all the boys were my buddies. During our years together, we had so many fights because we share different understanding of life and what is important in life. She wants all the good things in life, so as I. But, she wants them now and she doesn't want to wait. So instead of working hard and doing the right things, she choose shortcuts and went around the laws, typical Chinese. We had huge fight about some decisions that she made. She thought I wasn't being a friend who suppose to support her, but for me, I am not supporting anything that I don't agree with. We fought more, didn't talk for few months.
But after that, we made up again. I think for her as for me, we were all we had in this country. We all had no choice but stay with each other. Our friendship seemed to be stronger after that. I give up disagree with her and she seems to grow up year by year. Finally, we were peaceful with each other. I was happy that she was on the right track and working hard for herself, and I was happy that she started to understand things that she didn't before. I was happy that she is less self-center and less narcissistic. I started to see her as someone who I can be really good friend with (that I have been), but then she told me that she is going back to China end of last year.
The reason? Because she can't handle her life in U.S anymore. After many unsuccessful love relationships, she complained about no one treat her nice. After changed her job many times, she complained about how co-workers and bosses are all stupid. It seems nothing makes her happy, nothing.
After her parents came to visit her couple times, I started to know how rich her family really is. Her dad wanted to buy her a Porsche SUV. "You know, I don't care that, but Chinese people like that." She said to me, (really? you couldn't say no?); her mom bought her a $1500 USD down jacket. "I don't buy expensive things, you know me, but i will wear it forever, you know." She said to me (really? how about that $300 jeans, $2000 bag, $500 boots); "My ex-boyfriend in China wants to marry me, so I think I am going back to China and give it a try." She said:" We dated with I was 12 years old for 6 years, and his family is rich and he has business oversea as well, and I still love him." She said. (really? Even though you French kissed another guy right after you just talked with your ex on the phone?)
Another shortcut? I thought to myself. Instead of trying to make life happen on her own, she picked another shortcut. I started to wondering if her ex-boyfriend is a regular Chinese person who makes $200 USD a month, will she go back when he asked? I started to wondering could her still able to just woke 4 days a week but still travel internationally every year without any help from her parents? "All my friends were so impressed with me because I give up everything in US." she said. I am thinking to myself:" what do you have in US to lose? no housing, no great career, and with your American citizen approved, what are you actually giving up in US?" "My life should be a book! I have been through so much!" She said many times during the years. I kept wonder how many her is actually in this world. I am tried of this, after 10 years of knowing her, why I am still bothered by her low self-esteem narcissism.
I guess I felt disappointed that she didn't change after all. She is still the old self. I was mad that she picked a shortcut again but that's her life. I was sad that she left me, just like all other friends I made over the years, all went back to where they think is better for them. I was jealous of her that she can actually pick a shortcut, not like me that there is no shortcut even if I want to go that way. I am envy her that she will be able to have what I want without left a finger. And, all those feelings on top of grieving the lose of my mom, was like salt on a fresh cut wound.
Now it is a week so after she went back. I actually started to think this is good for me. Maybe it is time to say goodbye to her, to finally have a chance to cut her loose.
I was happy with myself before 2011 because I was untouched with current Chinese culture. After went back to visit at 2011 and 2014, I dislike current Chinese culture. People lose their moral, their belief (like they ever had), their mind and soul. There is no higher moral stand in that country, the value of a person's worth is only depended on the money. Married rich men are having 2 or 3 lovers who are their daughters age, young girls only want to marry with a man who has a car (paid full), a house (paid full) and a good paid job, women are compete with each other by how many high end brand items that they have on them. No one is caring about the TRUE education, TRUE beauty, TRUE love, TRUE happiness, TRUE family value, or TRUE meaning of life. I hate that culture so much! Lucky, not all the Chinese are like that, but most of them are.
I would not choose to live in that country. It is sad because it is my home country and I love the old values, knowledge and culture. But, it is also the country that cut off my father's career just because he didn't agree with some higher positioned people, it is the country cut off my mother's life because the terrible air, water, food pollution, and it is the country cut off the innocent of my generation and focus them to grow up as men and women who have no soul but greedy mind with a sick body.
I feel it is the end of road for my life from 2007-2014. A new understanding and new life are coming this year. For that, I am exciting and hope it will turn out better than I could imagine.
I have a thing for sleep that means I sleep a lot. More than what I should or what the health community says. For years, we been told the healthy sleep time for adult is 8 hours per night. And, recently, the new articles said the REAL healthy sleep time for adult is between 5-7 hours to have less risk for cancer or other serious illness. So, for people like me who sleep 10-12 hours a day, this news is basically telling us that we are going to be sick.
The new articles about the less sleeping time is bothering me a lot since I have been a long sleeper for many years. I started to track back my time and tried to think if I am always a long sleeper.
I couldn't be when I was in China. The school time was in a firmed schedule and I wasn't allow to be late. So for 18 years of my life, I woke up at 6 a.m. and went to bed at 10 p.m. which was a good 8 hours for a non-adult. My memories of my early 20s are blurry. I can't remember how long I slept during that time, but I do remember early classes at 8 a.m. As a college student, I never slept before 10 p.m. so I could guess that most my sleep time was in 8 hours. Only one time that I remember I slept for so long was when I was 25 years old. I slept 14 hours.
But how come that I sleep for so long now? I thought about the time when I was depressed and struggled with life. I did have a period of time that the only thing I did was sleep. The reason? To reduce the pressures. Some people turns to drugs, alcohol, food or spending money to reduce the stress. I perfect spending money when I have the money to spend. But I didn't have any money during that time, so I choose to sleep. That was the best way for me to stop thinking.
Maybe because of that, sleep become a safe spot for me. I feel happy, warm, safe and worry free when I go to bed. I love to stay in sleep and let my subconscious mind take me to the wonderland. And it did often times. I often enjoyed the dreams that I had, those strange, unrealistic, sometimes scary but magic dreams. The end of the world, the airplane crash, the killing, the earthquake, the universe, the another dimension, the unreal memories of the past, the unsure future, the ghost, the strange creatures, the loved ones, the hated ones.....so many wonderful but strange things happen in my dream. And, I do dream every night. I actually do have a dream log which I write down the dreams that I can remember.
However, having wonderful dream doesn't make me want to sleep for 10 hours or more because I do have wonderful dreams even when I sleep 5 hours. So I wanted to find out if I am normal or not.
I searched "sleep more than 10 hours" online, and turns out I am not the only one. And, there is a disorder called "Excessive Sleeper". I was exciting to find that because finally I wasn't just lazy!! I read about it, and learned the excessive sleepers sleep 10 -12 hours per night, just like me. I wanted to believe that I have this disorder which I just normally need to sleep 10-12 hours. But, somehow I feel that is just a excuse for myself.
From my intuition, I think the real reason for me to sleep that long is there is no motivation in my daily life. I do have a lot of things to do everyday, but nothing excites me. Nothing that I have to do, nothing make me wake up in the morning and be exciting about the new day. I am still searching for the way to be where I wanted to be. It takes patient and it takes time. I just have to always remind myself that and keep moving forward. And, maybe one day, all I need is 6 hours of sleep.
Something changed after I came back from China, I noticed. Not the weather, not the life style, not Mr.Rabbit, not anything or anyone else but me.
I looked at what I have in my American life, and I suddenly felt I have too much. Too many dishes in the kitchen, too many little-cute-but-meaningless-things in the house, too many make-up items, too many shoes, too many bags, and too many clothes which truly disgusted me. Why I wanted all those stuffs? I asked myself. Somehow, I lost the desires of owning things. i deleted more than half of the Instagram accounts which I I was following. Those accounts were related to fashion or fashionistas. I still like fashion and still want to dress up nice, but somehow the pictures from those accounts made me feel sick. I guess I am sick of trying to catch up with outside beauty.
When I was in China, I had 2 suitcases of clothes. I cared how I look when I just went back, but soon I started to notice that beauty is only skin deep, especially in China.
20 minutes from my home is the old downtown where has been the shopping district as long as I remember. The name is Chunxi Road. It's like a combination of Soho and Time Square. The most expensive department stores are located there and they carry famous expensive international brands that NY doesn't even have. BMW or Ben-z aren't much of eye candy over there when Bentley, Ferraris, Tesla or other unusual expensive cars parked on the streets.
I often took bus to there 'cause that's only place my parents knew that I won't get lost. The bus stop is at a huge cross intersection, across street from the most expensive mall: IFS. (Here is two videos from YouTube about IFS which give a better idea. )
For me, this mall is just a cover. Most people only window shopping in there, and it make them feel good to be there. Everything in there are their dreams and some people choose to live in the dream. It's a new meeting up place as well. I often met with my friends over there, just simply say:" let's meet under the panda's ass." I feel sorry for people who goes in there. What they have in there are the unreachable dreams of 90% Chinese and the can't-be-lost-"face" of 10% Chinese. People chose to believe that they are rich enough because the city is rich enough to have such expensive mall.
Most of my friends think I can shop there. "Just $6000 yuan ($1000 USD)." One of my friends pointed at a pair of Christin Lououtin shoes. "This shirt is $3000 yuan ($500 USD), not bad." Another one pointed out a nice designed shirt from Kenzo. "Umm...no one in America actually gonna spend that much money for that." I said. "Really?" She didn't believe me:" I saw on TV. People wear those brands. Maybe you are hanging with the wrong crowd." Ha! Typical Chinese people, insult you like a common thing. (Chinese people often insult each other, it's a culture thing). I looked around me. They are everywhere, the 20s and 30s girls, all dressed up well, with full make-up, colored hair, fake brand bags, and holding a cup of Starbucks or a under dressed man.
That is real China. People who want to, trying to, fighting to be somehow else. They envy me, admire me, not because who I am but because I live in America who has an American husband. I could do nothing wrong in front of them. They praised me about my outfit: a simple T-shirt from Forever 21 and a denim shorts from American Apparel. They checked out my no brand denim bag which I got from Big E a year ago and then swim their fake Chanel or LV on their shoulder. They look beautiful but empty inside. They all want to go eat at an expensive restaurant when all I want is the bowl of noddle from my childhood memories.
Then, I went home. I saw my parents' simply apartment, basic life style and I thought to myself I don't want to be one of those girls. Beautiful but empty.
The next thing I know, I was standing in the pile of clothes in my American home. All I was thinking was too much. Why I bought all those clothes? Why do I need 20 sweaters, 30 pair of jeans or 100 pair of shoes? I felt I was on the wrong train the past few years in the America. I was becoming one of those girls! I didn't read much, didn't study much, didn't make any lifelong new friends, but all I did was shopping. The reason for that? I am not sure. Fulfill some kind of emptiness?
Something has changed inside of me. I am not sure if it's permanent or just a phase. But I hope it's permanent 'cause I like this change so far.
After 2 months living in China with my parents, I think there is small part of me changed.
For the first time in my life, I feel I really have too much. I always knew I have a lot of things, but never felt it is too much until now. My parents who have the minimum of items in their 1300 square feet apartment. Each item has been used daily and some of them have been in the family over 20 or even 30 years. I still see the same rice bowl as 20 years ago. The indoor slippers are old which looks dirty because the color has changed. The pillows are so old that they can't even hold up my head for one night. If you don't know my parents' history, you would think they were working class all their life. But there are few giveaways in the room. My dad's shining golf clubs, my mom's brand bags and me.
I always knew that my dad is thrifty person. In Chinese, we say he "use the money on the edge of knife". My dad only use money on the "must needed" items. But his "must needed" list is very small. My mom, on another hand, is like me. She likes to enjoy life and likes to shop. But she hasn't able to do it much since my dad is the one who controls majority of money.
When I was leaving Chengdu to Guangzhou, my mom told my dad that I only had $160 yuan ($26 USD) with me. My dad gave me $600 yuan ($100 USD) even I insisted I don't need it. "You need to have some money with you. Don't save it, buy something to eat." My dad said to me. At that moment, I once again truly know how much my dad loves me. For a person who doesn't even spend $1 USD for a supermarket well cleaned and packed ginger but buys from fresh market dirty ginger for $0.80 USD, to tell me don't save the money is a huge deal for me. I felt shamed when I thought about how many pairs of shoes that I have, how many only wore once clothes that I have, and how many things that I bought only because they are nice looking.
I feel I am trapped in between the western life style and Chinese life style. One life style tells me to enjoy today and have better quality material life, but another life style tells me to plan for the future and have a basic material life. I agree on both life style and all I need to do is to find the middle ground.
The 2 months in China with my parents was a true bless for me. 3 of us have more understanding about each other and I feel my love for them is stronger and greater than before. It is a sad thing that my mom is sick and still trying to get better. But I also think this is a chance from God to let 3 us to united as a family once again. It is a chance to let my dad know that it isn't easy to do all the house work, a chance to let my mom know that my dad is a great husband, a chance to let me know the truth of my parents and a chance to let 3 of us have a 2 months together like a normal family.
I pray to God for my mom's health. And I truly hope she can win this war and my dad and her can have a great life for long long time.
I got a text message from my mom when I woke up this morning. Very simply message: "Here is my doctor diagnosis, don't know if you have an American doctor to take look, see if it is easy to fix or not."
Since my mom got sick, I try my best to meet with my parents' request. Call them as often as I can, make plan to go home for 2 months during the summer, try to find some "miracle" supplement for them online (Chinese people in China believe in any supplements from other country. The Chinese business people make all those supplements as this miracle which can cure all health problems from tumor to cancer. Once I saw this supplement which Chinese site made it sounds like GOD's gift, but in American site it's not even FDA proved.), try to be as careful as I can when I talk to my mom (don't want to piss her off again), etc.
So, when I saw the text this morning, I know that I can't satisfied her. My parents know there is difference between China and US, but they don't know well enough to think about how much difference there actually is. In China, everyone seems to know someone. It's not surprise if my parents know 10 doctors personally or related to someone they know. Since my aunt is a doctor, she has many doctor friends. It's very easy human resource for my parents when they need to ask some advice. And, I am sure they have been doing this since they are over 40 years old. China also has a lot of health consultants which you can just bring your diagnosis in and ask for advice or put your diagnosis online that some doctor will answer you. But most of those are for basic illness.
I feel bad to tell my mom that I can't find a doctor to read her diagnosis and give her any suggestions. What my mom has is not a simple stage 1 common cancer. I don't think any doctor, even the speciality cancer doctor will just read her diagnosis (which is in Chinese, I am not sure I can do a good job translate all the medico term, for example when I search to translate "diagnosis" from Chinese to English, it gave me the term "medical certificate".) and understand her condition. And, I don't even know if any doctor will just read a diagnosis and give advice if it's not their patient in US. I want to help my mom and fulfill all her request, but it seems to be hard sometimes. And, I hate to say "no" to her when she needs my help.
All I can think of now is post her diagnosis on some American medico websites, and see if anyone will respond. My guess is even if someone responds, the respond will be like "she should go see her doctor" or "need specialty doctor".
P.S. My mom's tongue cancer is doing well. She is home taking chemo medication since her body need rest from intravenous feeding chemo. Now they are trying to treat the cancer which spread to her lungs. Since she was off the medication for 2 weeks, the cancer got bigger on her lungs. The treatment plan is taking chemo medication at home first, see what the result is like, then come up with next plan.
Since my mom got sick, I become a semi-psychologist. Not for my mom, but for my dad.
My dad had almost a hour long phone talk with me last night, and he was very upset. What was he upsetting about? Everything. It was like he kept this angry inside of him for 35 years and finally it all came out at once.
Chinese people say that most couples can share the bitter of life but not sweets. But they also say:" Spouse are birds in the same woods. They fly by their own when disaster strikes." And after being married for 35 years, I thought my parents already left the difference behind them when they remarried few years ago. But I couldn't be moew wrong. I guess once the trust is break between a relationship, the wound will be stay forever. The hurt might seems to be forgotten or even forgiven, but the feeling of hurting is just being covered by thin layer of dust. When the wind blows, the wound shows.
My dad is mad. I don't blame him. His life has been put on hold because of my mom's sickness. And, he feels my mom still blame him for everything. He thinks my mom still doesn't apprenticed him and still think he is never good enough for her.
"It is a mistake to be married with you mom." My dad said. If I was 15 years younger, I'd be sad or even angry at him. But, at the age of 34, I only felt sorry for my dad.
He told me some things happened between him and my mom which I never been told before, also some family secretes and dark past which would put both of them in shame. "You guys are so complicated and mess up." I said to my dad after hearing the stories. But, I am glad that my dad told me those things. As an adult, I could see who they really were and understand them more. Now I know my dad's side of story instead only know my mom's side of story for most of my life. And I don't think my dad knows how much my mom told me about their past. But, I now know that everything my mom had told me might not all be true.
Maybe it is a mistake for them to get married.
"Why you didn't come to me and ask me how I felt?" I asked my dad. "You were so young. What could you know?" My dad answered. We were talking about the the huge fight they had when I was 8 years old, and they were talking about divorce but didn't. "You were young. I didn't want you to have a broken family. Plus, what could you understand." My dad said. "Grandma (mom's side) actually asked me what I think about you guys divorcing at that time." I said, this was my first time telling my dad this. "You know what I said? I said to her that as long as both of you happy, I don't mind if you guys are divorced." I said to my dad. He didn't know how to respond that, but only said:" Your grandma asked you?" "Yeah. You should have came to me and asked me what do I think. I might be a kid, but I was still a person who has her own thinking." I said to him. Yes. If my dad came to me, they might have a happier future. Not that they aren't happy now, but they aren't happy enough.
In the near a hour talking, I understand what are my dad's frustrations. He is worried that he will never be able to have the life that he wants because my mom has been very difficult to give up on her end to meet in the middle ground. "I will talk to her indirectly when I have chance." I said to my dad. That might he feel better. But the truth is that I don't know if I can persuade her at all. Both my parents are very strong headed and stubborn. How lucky I was.
I don't know how the future would be for my parents. I want both of them to be happy. As the only child, I feel that I have to at least try to keep them both grounded. To let both of them know that neither of them are right nor wrong. They are just really different people who have different life style, but can't cut the tie with each other. Some kind of twisted knot tied them together.
We, Chinese also say:" A honest and upright judge can't solve a family affair." I am not a judge, but I can be honest. Maybe it is time for me to pick up some couple's therapy book and find a way out.
I had near a hour long conversation with my dad last night. Once again, it proved my dad and I have the same understanding and value about life than anyone else.
In the phone, once again, my dad told me that it is a terrible thing to have no one understand you. I know what he was refers to. He was talking about my mom. Since my mom got sick, it kind of pull out all the family problems that have been hidden by everyone. Not like no one is helping her, but instead everyone is there for her. However, how my mom react to her caregiver pull out all the problems. Mainly because my dad is one of the caregivers. I was feeling bad that how I feel about my mom. How I feel she never support me, help me, love me enough. And when I talked with my dad, I understood that I am not alone. My dad has the same feeling with me.
He talked about my mom has never been a very supportive wife to him, never tried to be on his side, never tried to understand him, and always say mean things to hurt him. Even now that she is sick, she is still no thinking of my dad but think of her brother and sister. Everything how I feel about her is exactly how my dad feels about her. I told my dad that I know exactly what he was talking about and gave him couple examples of my problems with my mom. My dad was surprised and also glad that I feel the same way as him. He said in Chinese way:" You are truly the worm of my stomach! (means you understand/know me inside out)"
I feel sorry for my parents' marriage. They should have divorced long time ago, but for many reasons they didn't. My dad wants/needs a wife who is traditional, calm, who is willing to put family/husband first and classic. My mom is a woman who is headstrong, wants her own money, own freedom, own actives, own pride. My dad and I share similar personality. We love similar things and hurt by similar things. With my mom as this important role in both of our lives, we understand each other well. I want a loving mom who support me and have my back. My dad wants a loving wife who support him and have his back. We both didn't get what we want. And we couldn't tell my mom how we really feel now 'cause she is sick.
We both wish my mom the best and will try our best to save her life. But she has to understand how we feel once she gets well. I don't know how to make her understand 'cause with my mom that she always think she is right. Never ever tried to ask herself if there is anything wrong with her. I could picture her instant think I am ganging up with my dad to against her instead of thinking about if anything we say is true.
I told my dad that I already decided if the unfortunate happens, I want my dad to find what he really wants/needs, the person who understand him, support him and care about him.
At this point, of course I still want my mom to have the full recovery, but I won't be devastate if the unfortunate happens. I will be very sad, will miss her, but I will move on and be fine. I wish my mom the best, and also wish my dad the best.
I had a small fight with my mother this evening.
I called her as I have been doing, try to cheer her up and catch up with her daily medical plan. She was upset because she learned her cancer has spread to her lung. She started to cry while she was talking me that. I calmly asked her don't cry and just focus on treat the cancer. She then cried and said to me:" That it's too late, there is no more hope." After more than a month of telling her to be positive, I was tired to hear she say negative thing again. I said to her:" Why are you saying this? What do you want us to feel when we hear your say something like that? It is meaningless for us to hear that." "OF COUSE! IT IS MEANINGLESS TO YOU GUYS!" She yelled:" It is meaningless to you guys anyway!" I noticed she was being headstrong, so I said to her:" Don't be headstrong. I am gonna hang up the phone if you aren't calm." "FINE!" she hung up the phone.
I was angry!!!! I called my dad to tell him what happened. My dad doesn't have a lot time to listen to me there days. He is always running between home and hospital. In the short phone call, I said to my dad that I understand mom is upset and sad. But she has to know that she is the one who have to have the will to live, and have the courage to fight. If she already decided to give up, everything we do means nothing. My dad agreed with me and asked me to just call her to make an apology for now. I did, not because I think I was wrong, but for the sick of her health. After all, I want to help her not against her.
That event made me think deeply about my relationship with my mother. What did my mom wanted to hear from me when she said:" That is too late, there is no more hope."? Does she want me to cry out loud? Does she wants me to give her sympathy? I couldn't because all I thought was she was being negative, it is bad for her, she has to stop it! Was she mad because I sound too calm, too cold, too little emotion? I couldn't give her so much emotion because my emotion is not that deep.
I have been told how much my mom loves me from many different people, how much she misses me or how much she would go for me. But the truth is how much love she gives to me directly doesn't equal to what I heard from others. I am sure she loves me very much. I know she does! But I don't feel often or deep enough. Now, I think back. I have been having issues with my parents for long time. I should have see it when I only called them once or twice a year the first few years after I came to USA. I should have see it when I was so happy they were not around and didn't miss them until I was 25 years old. I thought I was just an very independent and un-attachable person. I never put the two and two together, never thought about why I invest so much love and emotion to strangers just because they loved me back. The root is all because of my relationship with my parents.
Like my mom said, I only have lived with them for less than 10 years of my life. I went to day care from 1 to 3, lived on campus for 4 to 6 (went home once a week), lived on campus again from 13 to 18 (went home once a week) and then came to USA from 18 to now (went home 3 times in 16 years). I didn't spend a lot of time with my parents. I didn't get the daily love from them. My father says that he is regret putting me in day care so young 'cause that might be the reason that I am not close to them now. That is not the reason that I am not close to my parents. The reason is I didn't get enough love and support from them.
"What are you talking about! You are a such spoiled person!" Some people might want to say that to me. But, they don't know how my parents and my relationship were like. They love me, that's for sure. They love me so much that they gave me everything I wanted, everything the money could buy. But, they didn't give me what money could not buy. My dad was a very busy man. I hardly had time to see him. He yelled at me for every mistake that I have made. My mom had more time with me, and I had many fun time with my mom. But she could be really mean. She never support any ideas that I had, always put me down for my dreams, question my choices and refuse to change the way she tread me. I had so many fights with her after I was 14. On top of that, both of my parents always made decisions for me. How I felt was not important for them, what they think is good for me is always more important. They became very controlling after I was 14. I had no freedom. I was being pushed away by them! Every time when I tried to reach out, they would do something or say something to push me back. Once when I was in my early 20s, my mom said to me that I never tell her anything. I wasn't sure why at that time. Later, I realized that's because she never support my decisions. So at some point, I decided that I wouldn't share anything with them.
Now, my parents are older. My dad made effort to let me know that he loves me. He says that to me every time I calls. But I haven't hear my mom says love me since forever.....Now, she is sick and I couldn't be like any other daughters so emotionally carried away, I couldn't be like a daughter that she wants or expect me to be. She loves me but she didn't make me love her as much she loves me. She didn't make me to think she is my best friend, she didn't make me want to go to her if I get hurt or need a shoulder to cry on. I feel that I sounded like the worst daughter out there. I DO love her. She is my mom and my only mom. I envy my friends who can call their mom when they get dumped by boyfriend, when they lost their job or when they decided to not get married. I want that relationship and I tried to with my mom. She just never get what I really need from her.
I always told them that I don't want money, I want love. They never understand that. As much as I love my mom, I don't want to be a mom like her. I want be my children's best friend, their crying shoulder, their soulmate and I want them to know I will never judge them or shamed by them no matter what kind of future they choose to have. Maybe, just maybe, they will love me as much as I love them.
It's been about a month that I know my mom has cancer. I already had few different stages of emotion. Sometimes, I am happy that I am not in China, so I could still feel normal, less worried and less stressed. I thought it is better this way 'cause I can support my other family members mentally instead of crying with them together. But, sometimes, I wish I was there. So I could hold her hands, hug her and do the same to my dad who must be stressed.
My mom's cancer is rare and strong. The tumor is too big for surgery, now we learned. So, the best way to go is chemo. However, chemo might not work on certain cancer cell. If my mom's cancer is un-treatable by chemo, she has to go back to the option of surgery. We should know if she can have the chemo or not in today.
I have been calling my mom everyday even through I said I didn't want to call her everyday to make her feel it is a serious sickness. But inside of my heart, I can't just let it be. Sometimes, she cries; sometimes, she sounded like nothing happened. When we talked about the options of treatment, she told me that no matter what she won't get surgery. I tried to change her mind, but she told me her reasons.
1st, surgery will require remove her whole lower jaw, tongue and teeth; then open her neck to put a tube in for food. She won't be able to eat, talk, drink and has to be fit liquid food every 2 hours from the tube. My mom refuse to live rest of her life like the lady from the CDC non-smoking AD.
2nd, she doesn't want to be a baggie for anyone, especially my dad. My mom has been very independent for many years. Also, she is very social, has 10 times more friends than I do, always doing things with her friends. I can see how she will be unhappy to be able to do any of those things, but stay home everyday. My mom is very outgoing. It will be so hard and sad for her to not able to dancing, shopping, chatting with her friends.
I understand. My mom wants to have a quality life instead of long life. She rather live shorter than she wants but live to the fullest.
I feel sad to facing the truth of my mom might be gone much much earlier and sooner than I thought. I want to stop her and convince her to have the surgery because I don't want to lose her and I don't want to be a child without a mom. But I couldn't. I can't be selfish and only think about what this will do to me. I want her to be happy with her life. I want her to have the power and freedom as how she always has. As a child, my parents have made all my decisions no matter if the decision will be make me happy or not. They always thought they made decisions for me because they know what is best for me. But the truth is just the opposite. I don't want that happen to my mom. All I want to do is making her happy.
It is a getting hard to not let this unfortunate event bother me. I had some experiences with losing loved ones (they didn't died, they just left my life permanently, almost like died). I know there are few stages of emotion that I have to go through.
denial the truth -->fight with the fact--> hope for the miracle--> despaired when things don't change--> angry at everyone and everything--> blame self--> sad everyday--> cry--> cry--> cry--> cry--> face the reality-->start to move on--> miss the loved one every second-->every day-->every week-->not often but something will remind you of the loved one-->not sad anymore but still miss the loved one-->miss the love one forever.
That was the order that I had, but everyone is different. And I am having different orders this time. My mom hasn't leave me yet. I am already face fact and hope for the miracle. I hope things do change this time, so I won't go through the rest of the steps of emotion.
No matter what, I am here for my mom forever. Never I will give up saving her!
The small soft white puffy thing, so tender, so weak, so lovely. You hold them tied, they break, the wind will take them away, the sun will age them, they can never be here long, they can never be belonged. This lovely sad little thing is a truly beautiful. It will be the soft, sad spot of my heart.