My mom's cancer is rare and strong. The tumor is too big for surgery, now we learned. So, the best way to go is chemo. However, chemo might not work on certain cancer cell. If my mom's cancer is un-treatable by chemo, she has to go back to the option of surgery. We should know if she can have the chemo or not in today.
I have been calling my mom everyday even through I said I didn't want to call her everyday to make her feel it is a serious sickness. But inside of my heart, I can't just let it be. Sometimes, she cries; sometimes, she sounded like nothing happened. When we talked about the options of treatment, she told me that no matter what she won't get surgery. I tried to change her mind, but she told me her reasons.
1st, surgery will require remove her whole lower jaw, tongue and teeth; then open her neck to put a tube in for food. She won't be able to eat, talk, drink and has to be fit liquid food every 2 hours from the tube. My mom refuse to live rest of her life like the lady from the CDC non-smoking AD.
2nd, she doesn't want to be a baggie for anyone, especially my dad. My mom has been very independent for many years. Also, she is very social, has 10 times more friends than I do, always doing things with her friends. I can see how she will be unhappy to be able to do any of those things, but stay home everyday. My mom is very outgoing. It will be so hard and sad for her to not able to dancing, shopping, chatting with her friends.
I understand. My mom wants to have a quality life instead of long life. She rather live shorter than she wants but live to the fullest.
I feel sad to facing the truth of my mom might be gone much much earlier and sooner than I thought. I want to stop her and convince her to have the surgery because I don't want to lose her and I don't want to be a child without a mom. But I couldn't. I can't be selfish and only think about what this will do to me. I want her to be happy with her life. I want her to have the power and freedom as how she always has. As a child, my parents have made all my decisions no matter if the decision will be make me happy or not. They always thought they made decisions for me because they know what is best for me. But the truth is just the opposite. I don't want that happen to my mom. All I want to do is making her happy.
It is a getting hard to not let this unfortunate event bother me. I had some experiences with losing loved ones (they didn't died, they just left my life permanently, almost like died). I know there are few stages of emotion that I have to go through.
denial the truth -->fight with the fact--> hope for the miracle--> despaired when things don't change--> angry at everyone and everything--> blame self--> sad everyday--> cry--> cry--> cry--> cry--> face the reality-->start to move on--> miss the loved one every second-->every day-->every week-->not often but something will remind you of the loved one-->not sad anymore but still miss the loved one-->miss the love one forever.
That was the order that I had, but everyone is different. And I am having different orders this time. My mom hasn't leave me yet. I am already face fact and hope for the miracle. I hope things do change this time, so I won't go through the rest of the steps of emotion.
No matter what, I am here for my mom forever. Never I will give up saving her!