I looked at what I have in my American life, and I suddenly felt I have too much. Too many dishes in the kitchen, too many little-cute-but-meaningless-things in the house, too many make-up items, too many shoes, too many bags, and too many clothes which truly disgusted me. Why I wanted all those stuffs? I asked myself. Somehow, I lost the desires of owning things. i deleted more than half of the Instagram accounts which I I was following. Those accounts were related to fashion or fashionistas. I still like fashion and still want to dress up nice, but somehow the pictures from those accounts made me feel sick. I guess I am sick of trying to catch up with outside beauty.
When I was in China, I had 2 suitcases of clothes. I cared how I look when I just went back, but soon I started to notice that beauty is only skin deep, especially in China.
Most of my friends think I can shop there. "Just $6000 yuan ($1000 USD)." One of my friends pointed at a pair of Christin Lououtin shoes. "This shirt is $3000 yuan ($500 USD), not bad." Another one pointed out a nice designed shirt from Kenzo. "Umm...no one in America actually gonna spend that much money for that." I said. "Really?" She didn't believe me:" I saw on TV. People wear those brands. Maybe you are hanging with the wrong crowd." Ha! Typical Chinese people, insult you like a common thing. (Chinese people often insult each other, it's a culture thing). I looked around me. They are everywhere, the 20s and 30s girls, all dressed up well, with full make-up, colored hair, fake brand bags, and holding a cup of Starbucks or a under dressed man.
That is real China. People who want to, trying to, fighting to be somehow else. They envy me, admire me, not because who I am but because I live in America who has an American husband. I could do nothing wrong in front of them. They praised me about my outfit: a simple T-shirt from Forever 21 and a denim shorts from American Apparel. They checked out my no brand denim bag which I got from Big E a year ago and then swim their fake Chanel or LV on their shoulder. They look beautiful but empty inside. They all want to go eat at an expensive restaurant when all I want is the bowl of noddle from my childhood memories.
Then, I went home. I saw my parents' simply apartment, basic life style and I thought to myself I don't want to be one of those girls. Beautiful but empty.
The next thing I know, I was standing in the pile of clothes in my American home. All I was thinking was too much. Why I bought all those clothes? Why do I need 20 sweaters, 30 pair of jeans or 100 pair of shoes? I felt I was on the wrong train the past few years in the America. I was becoming one of those girls! I didn't read much, didn't study much, didn't make any lifelong new friends, but all I did was shopping. The reason for that? I am not sure. Fulfill some kind of emptiness?
Something has changed inside of me. I am not sure if it's permanent or just a phase. But I hope it's permanent 'cause I like this change so far.