It is November already. This year's fall has been very soft. Sunshine is warm enough and only one layer of cloth can keep me warm. This winter should be softer than ever. I got a email from Mr.Deer out of blue. The email made me feel he still need me, but maybe not as much love in it anymore, but just a feeling of holding on the past. Maybe himself doesn't even notice, or maybe my feeling is wrong. Wen people depressed, people want to grab on something to give them the emotional support, this time, Mr.Deer chose me. But, I can't be that one who can give him what he need, not don't want to, but I can't lose the happiness that I have now. It is kind of like Mr.Young. I dreamed about him couple days ago. Maybe I do want to see him, but I promised to do the right thing. I don't want to be in the mud hole again. I don't know what I really want in life. I changed my mind too many times and was tired of the life I had the reason of it? I am really easy to get tired of things, huh. I hate the life once I am use to it. But I don't have a goal in life. And, I am lazy, easy to give up. Mr.Carrot blamed me about it yesterday. He is right. I can't change even I tried to many times. | 已經到11月了,今年的秋天真的是很溫柔。陽光暖暖的照在在身上,只穿一件襯衣都不會覺得冷;今年的冬天,也應該是無比溫暖的吧。 忽然收到lius的來信,忽然了解到他依然需要我,雖然可能愛的成分很少了,只是一種對過去的牽盼而已;可能他自己不知道,也可能是我感覺錯了。人在失落的時候都很想抓住一個能給與寄托的東西,這次他選擇的是我。可是,我不能成爲那個給他寄托的人了,不是不願意,而是不敢失去現在的幸福。就像對猛一樣,這幾天老是在夜裏夢見他,說實話,真的又想他;可是,我卻發誓要做個好人了,不願意在跳進泥沼裏。 我自己真的不知道自己到底想要什麽樣的人生,這些年來變來變去的,不就是因爲對現實生活的厭倦嗎?我的疲勞期居然來得那麽快,對習慣了的生活覺得厭惡,可對沒有終點的生活抵抗。而且,沒有毅力,懶惰到家了。昨天正才批評我了一頓,是地,我做事情很沒毅力,完完全全是定型的三天打魚,兩天嗮網。自己告訴過自己很多次,不可以不可以,可惡魔總是戰勝。 認真,到底我明不明白這兩個字的意思。 |
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