What have I been doing there years and what kind of person that I became? What I lost is much more than what I gained. It is all my fault. But you can't live once again, right? Why am I asking this stupid question which I already have answer, of cause it can't start over again. Let's just ask myself a question that if everything can start over again, where do I want to start? When did I start to do things wrong? Maybe start from high school, but I had too many choices in front of me. Maybe should be from 2004. Only 2 years of time, but so many things happened, so many thing changed. Really, I was wrong. I was wrong on many things. To others, to many things, the worst to myself, I was all wrong. There is nothing like start over again like how it is in TV. Can't go back, but the road in front of me still need to walk. What kind of life should mine to be? Did I miss out the real important things in life because I was chasing after the wrong things? There days, I really feel outside look is powerless, the true self is useless. I can't see what is my good points, what I can do? I see smile in that little box and feel I am just like her. Smile is growing bigger everyday, and wants to escape from that little box everyday. But she couldn't find her way, even she runs out that she will be found and locked up again. I am too, always want to escape from my life, but I would found by reality and locked up again every time I felt I was free from it. My life now is like smile lives in the wood box, locked down. I too like smile, asking to have someone to unlock the box, but that person never come. So depressed. Feel the pressure is crushing my heart, but still have to pretend happy in front of others, keep smiling. I want to fix it, but how to fix it? It is all my fault. What should I do? | 这几年来,我到底做了些什么?成为了什么样的一个人?得到的,比失去的多得太多。可是,都是我自己的错。人生不能重新来过了吧。。。我居然问出了这样明知故问的问题,当然不能再重新来过了,就算是给自己一个问题,如果可以重新来过,我会选择从什么地方开始呢?我的错到底是从什么时候开始的呢?其实很想从高中时代就来过一次,但那个时候得我,有很多选择在眼前,我还是觉得应该从04年开始。2年的时间,原来可以发生那么多的事情,改变那么多。 真的,我错了。很多事情我都错了。对很多人,很对事情,最糟糕的是对我自己,我都错了。没有像电视剧里的那种重新来过的事情会发生,回不到过去了,可前面的路还是要继续下去。我的人生到底是要怎么样呢?我自己是否为了追求那些虚无的东西而真的失去了宝贵的东西?这些日子来,我觉得美貌真的没有什么用了,我自己原来是那么的无能。什么力量都没有,我看不见自己的优点到底在那里,我到底可以做什么? 看着在木箱里的smile,我觉得我和他仿佛是一样的。smile一天一天的在长大,也一天一天的想从哪个木箱中跑出去;可他总是找不到出路,仿佛跑出去后,却又被抓了回来。我也老是想从现在的生活中跑出去,可每次觉得跑了出去,却又被一些无形的现实给抓了回来。我现在的生活,就像smile的木箱一样,把我牢牢的关在里面。我也想smile一样,乞求可以帮我打开木箱的人的出现,可是却没有那个人。 好压抑。心脏要被压碎了的感觉,却还是在人前装作过的很快乐。傻傻的笑。我知道都是我自己的错,我想要好好的弥补,可是要怎么才能弥补?真的,都是我的错。 我该怎么办?怎么办? |
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Lost & FoundHaven you ever lost yourself? Archives
January 2012
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