My dad had almost a hour long phone talk with me last night, and he was very upset. What was he upsetting about? Everything. It was like he kept this angry inside of him for 35 years and finally it all came out at once.
Chinese people say that most couples can share the bitter of life but not sweets. But they also say:" Spouse are birds in the same woods. They fly by their own when disaster strikes." And after being married for 35 years, I thought my parents already left the difference behind them when they remarried few years ago. But I couldn't be moew wrong. I guess once the trust is break between a relationship, the wound will be stay forever. The hurt might seems to be forgotten or even forgiven, but the feeling of hurting is just being covered by thin layer of dust. When the wind blows, the wound shows.
My dad is mad. I don't blame him. His life has been put on hold because of my mom's sickness. And, he feels my mom still blame him for everything. He thinks my mom still doesn't apprenticed him and still think he is never good enough for her.
"It is a mistake to be married with you mom." My dad said. If I was 15 years younger, I'd be sad or even angry at him. But, at the age of 34, I only felt sorry for my dad.
He told me some things happened between him and my mom which I never been told before, also some family secretes and dark past which would put both of them in shame. "You guys are so complicated and mess up." I said to my dad after hearing the stories. But, I am glad that my dad told me those things. As an adult, I could see who they really were and understand them more. Now I know my dad's side of story instead only know my mom's side of story for most of my life. And I don't think my dad knows how much my mom told me about their past. But, I now know that everything my mom had told me might not all be true.
Maybe it is a mistake for them to get married.
"Why you didn't come to me and ask me how I felt?" I asked my dad. "You were so young. What could you know?" My dad answered. We were talking about the the huge fight they had when I was 8 years old, and they were talking about divorce but didn't. "You were young. I didn't want you to have a broken family. Plus, what could you understand." My dad said. "Grandma (mom's side) actually asked me what I think about you guys divorcing at that time." I said, this was my first time telling my dad this. "You know what I said? I said to her that as long as both of you happy, I don't mind if you guys are divorced." I said to my dad. He didn't know how to respond that, but only said:" Your grandma asked you?" "Yeah. You should have came to me and asked me what do I think. I might be a kid, but I was still a person who has her own thinking." I said to him. Yes. If my dad came to me, they might have a happier future. Not that they aren't happy now, but they aren't happy enough.
In the near a hour talking, I understand what are my dad's frustrations. He is worried that he will never be able to have the life that he wants because my mom has been very difficult to give up on her end to meet in the middle ground. "I will talk to her indirectly when I have chance." I said to my dad. That might he feel better. But the truth is that I don't know if I can persuade her at all. Both my parents are very strong headed and stubborn. How lucky I was.
I don't know how the future would be for my parents. I want both of them to be happy. As the only child, I feel that I have to at least try to keep them both grounded. To let both of them know that neither of them are right nor wrong. They are just really different people who have different life style, but can't cut the tie with each other. Some kind of twisted knot tied them together.
We, Chinese also say:" A honest and upright judge can't solve a family affair." I am not a judge, but I can be honest. Maybe it is time for me to pick up some couple's therapy book and find a way out.