I called her as I have been doing, try to cheer her up and catch up with her daily medical plan. She was upset because she learned her cancer has spread to her lung. She started to cry while she was talking me that. I calmly asked her don't cry and just focus on treat the cancer. She then cried and said to me:" That it's too late, there is no more hope." After more than a month of telling her to be positive, I was tired to hear she say negative thing again. I said to her:" Why are you saying this? What do you want us to feel when we hear your say something like that? It is meaningless for us to hear that." "OF COUSE! IT IS MEANINGLESS TO YOU GUYS!" She yelled:" It is meaningless to you guys anyway!" I noticed she was being headstrong, so I said to her:" Don't be headstrong. I am gonna hang up the phone if you aren't calm." "FINE!" she hung up the phone.
I was angry!!!! I called my dad to tell him what happened. My dad doesn't have a lot time to listen to me there days. He is always running between home and hospital. In the short phone call, I said to my dad that I understand mom is upset and sad. But she has to know that she is the one who have to have the will to live, and have the courage to fight. If she already decided to give up, everything we do means nothing. My dad agreed with me and asked me to just call her to make an apology for now. I did, not because I think I was wrong, but for the sick of her health. After all, I want to help her not against her.
That event made me think deeply about my relationship with my mother. What did my mom wanted to hear from me when she said:" That is too late, there is no more hope."? Does she want me to cry out loud? Does she wants me to give her sympathy? I couldn't because all I thought was she was being negative, it is bad for her, she has to stop it! Was she mad because I sound too calm, too cold, too little emotion? I couldn't give her so much emotion because my emotion is not that deep.
I have been told how much my mom loves me from many different people, how much she misses me or how much she would go for me. But the truth is how much love she gives to me directly doesn't equal to what I heard from others. I am sure she loves me very much. I know she does! But I don't feel often or deep enough. Now, I think back. I have been having issues with my parents for long time. I should have see it when I only called them once or twice a year the first few years after I came to USA. I should have see it when I was so happy they were not around and didn't miss them until I was 25 years old. I thought I was just an very independent and un-attachable person. I never put the two and two together, never thought about why I invest so much love and emotion to strangers just because they loved me back. The root is all because of my relationship with my parents.
Like my mom said, I only have lived with them for less than 10 years of my life. I went to day care from 1 to 3, lived on campus for 4 to 6 (went home once a week), lived on campus again from 13 to 18 (went home once a week) and then came to USA from 18 to now (went home 3 times in 16 years). I didn't spend a lot of time with my parents. I didn't get the daily love from them. My father says that he is regret putting me in day care so young 'cause that might be the reason that I am not close to them now. That is not the reason that I am not close to my parents. The reason is I didn't get enough love and support from them.
"What are you talking about! You are a such spoiled person!" Some people might want to say that to me. But, they don't know how my parents and my relationship were like. They love me, that's for sure. They love me so much that they gave me everything I wanted, everything the money could buy. But, they didn't give me what money could not buy. My dad was a very busy man. I hardly had time to see him. He yelled at me for every mistake that I have made. My mom had more time with me, and I had many fun time with my mom. But she could be really mean. She never support any ideas that I had, always put me down for my dreams, question my choices and refuse to change the way she tread me. I had so many fights with her after I was 14. On top of that, both of my parents always made decisions for me. How I felt was not important for them, what they think is good for me is always more important. They became very controlling after I was 14. I had no freedom. I was being pushed away by them! Every time when I tried to reach out, they would do something or say something to push me back. Once when I was in my early 20s, my mom said to me that I never tell her anything. I wasn't sure why at that time. Later, I realized that's because she never support my decisions. So at some point, I decided that I wouldn't share anything with them.
Now, my parents are older. My dad made effort to let me know that he loves me. He says that to me every time I calls. But I haven't hear my mom says love me since forever.....Now, she is sick and I couldn't be like any other daughters so emotionally carried away, I couldn't be like a daughter that she wants or expect me to be. She loves me but she didn't make me love her as much she loves me. She didn't make me to think she is my best friend, she didn't make me want to go to her if I get hurt or need a shoulder to cry on. I feel that I sounded like the worst daughter out there. I DO love her. She is my mom and my only mom. I envy my friends who can call their mom when they get dumped by boyfriend, when they lost their job or when they decided to not get married. I want that relationship and I tried to with my mom. She just never get what I really need from her.
I always told them that I don't want money, I want love. They never understand that. As much as I love my mom, I don't want to be a mom like her. I want be my children's best friend, their crying shoulder, their soulmate and I want them to know I will never judge them or shamed by them no matter what kind of future they choose to have. Maybe, just maybe, they will love me as much as I love them.