I feel like I am back at the year 2007 when I had no money, no friends, no family and no future. I know now is much better than then because I actually do have money, friends and family. But the feeling is same. I am actually not going to write about my mom's pass but what made it worse.
My friend Sherry went back to China for good last week, and how do I feel about that? I am mad, feel betrayed, left and dumped in a shit hole. Let's talk about this friend of mine. Sherry. Of cause, it is not her real name, like "Chris" for me. I met her when I was 26 years old, the year 2006 through an old high school friend. I looked like I was at my peak because I was young, beautiful, healthy, wealthy, active, fashionable, had a handsome Japanese boyfriend and a group of smart and fun friends. But the fact is that was just the beautiful peaceful sunset before the darkest night, the quiet calm sky before the snowstorm, which I didn't see it coming. Sherry was only 20 years old and just came to U.S. for a year. She saw me as this person who she could look up to. So, she came in to me with a strong friendship offer. And, I took her in like a younger sister because I saw the younger myself in her. But, she is not younger innocent sister at all.
Couple years of knowing her, I started to noticed she and I aren't good match. She wants everything that I have: My lifestyle, my fashion senses, my knowledge, my friends, which I don't mind of if she has something offer to me too. But I felt she only takes from me and I learned nothing from her. All the relationships are two ways. She started annoys me and I tried to keep distance with her. It was hard because I was lonely. I need a friend, a female friend, a female friend who shares same culture, a female friend who is actually from my hometown. I had no choice but keep in touch with her because after all we do have common topics to talk about.
Our journey of friendship was not an easy one. Sherry has been a very pretty, attractive girl since the day she was born. She had no female friends in high school because all the boys liked her. Unlike her, I wasn't an attractive type, and I had no female friends in high school because all the boys were my buddies. During our years together, we had so many fights because we share different understanding of life and what is important in life. She wants all the good things in life, so as I. But, she wants them now and she doesn't want to wait. So instead of working hard and doing the right things, she choose shortcuts and went around the laws, typical Chinese. We had huge fight about some decisions that she made. She thought I wasn't being a friend who suppose to support her, but for me, I am not supporting anything that I don't agree with. We fought more, didn't talk for few months.
But after that, we made up again. I think for her as for me, we were all we had in this country. We all had no choice but stay with each other. Our friendship seemed to be stronger after that. I give up disagree with her and she seems to grow up year by year. Finally, we were peaceful with each other. I was happy that she was on the right track and working hard for herself, and I was happy that she started to understand things that she didn't before. I was happy that she is less self-center and less narcissistic. I started to see her as someone who I can be really good friend with (that I have been), but then she told me that she is going back to China end of last year.
The reason? Because she can't handle her life in U.S anymore. After many unsuccessful love relationships, she complained about no one treat her nice. After changed her job many times, she complained about how co-workers and bosses are all stupid. It seems nothing makes her happy, nothing.
After her parents came to visit her couple times, I started to know how rich her family really is. Her dad wanted to buy her a Porsche SUV. "You know, I don't care that, but Chinese people like that." She said to me, (really? you couldn't say no?); her mom bought her a $1500 USD down jacket. "I don't buy expensive things, you know me, but i will wear it forever, you know." She said to me (really? how about that $300 jeans, $2000 bag, $500 boots); "My ex-boyfriend in China wants to marry me, so I think I am going back to China and give it a try." She said:" We dated with I was 12 years old for 6 years, and his family is rich and he has business oversea as well, and I still love him." She said. (really? Even though you French kissed another guy right after you just talked with your ex on the phone?)
Another shortcut? I thought to myself. Instead of trying to make life happen on her own, she picked another shortcut. I started to wondering if her ex-boyfriend is a regular Chinese person who makes $200 USD a month, will she go back when he asked? I started to wondering could her still able to just woke 4 days a week but still travel internationally every year without any help from her parents? "All my friends were so impressed with me because I give up everything in US." she said. I am thinking to myself:" what do you have in US to lose? no housing, no great career, and with your American citizen approved, what are you actually giving up in US?" "My life should be a book! I have been through so much!" She said many times during the years. I kept wonder how many her is actually in this world. I am tried of this, after 10 years of knowing her, why I am still bothered by her low self-esteem narcissism.
I guess I felt disappointed that she didn't change after all. She is still the old self. I was mad that she picked a shortcut again but that's her life. I was sad that she left me, just like all other friends I made over the years, all went back to where they think is better for them. I was jealous of her that she can actually pick a shortcut, not like me that there is no shortcut even if I want to go that way. I am envy her that she will be able to have what I want without left a finger. And, all those feelings on top of grieving the lose of my mom, was like salt on a fresh cut wound.
Now it is a week so after she went back. I actually started to think this is good for me. Maybe it is time to say goodbye to her, to finally have a chance to cut her loose.
I was happy with myself before 2011 because I was untouched with current Chinese culture. After went back to visit at 2011 and 2014, I dislike current Chinese culture. People lose their moral, their belief (like they ever had), their mind and soul. There is no higher moral stand in that country, the value of a person's worth is only depended on the money. Married rich men are having 2 or 3 lovers who are their daughters age, young girls only want to marry with a man who has a car (paid full), a house (paid full) and a good paid job, women are compete with each other by how many high end brand items that they have on them. No one is caring about the TRUE education, TRUE beauty, TRUE love, TRUE happiness, TRUE family value, or TRUE meaning of life. I hate that culture so much! Lucky, not all the Chinese are like that, but most of them are.
I would not choose to live in that country. It is sad because it is my home country and I love the old values, knowledge and culture. But, it is also the country that cut off my father's career just because he didn't agree with some higher positioned people, it is the country cut off my mother's life because the terrible air, water, food pollution, and it is the country cut off the innocent of my generation and focus them to grow up as men and women who have no soul but greedy mind with a sick body.
I feel it is the end of road for my life from 2007-2014. A new understanding and new life are coming this year. For that, I am exciting and hope it will turn out better than I could imagine.