In the phone, once again, my dad told me that it is a terrible thing to have no one understand you. I know what he was refers to. He was talking about my mom. Since my mom got sick, it kind of pull out all the family problems that have been hidden by everyone. Not like no one is helping her, but instead everyone is there for her. However, how my mom react to her caregiver pull out all the problems. Mainly because my dad is one of the caregivers. I was feeling bad that how I feel about my mom. How I feel she never support me, help me, love me enough. And when I talked with my dad, I understood that I am not alone. My dad has the same feeling with me.
He talked about my mom has never been a very supportive wife to him, never tried to be on his side, never tried to understand him, and always say mean things to hurt him. Even now that she is sick, she is still no thinking of my dad but think of her brother and sister. Everything how I feel about her is exactly how my dad feels about her. I told my dad that I know exactly what he was talking about and gave him couple examples of my problems with my mom. My dad was surprised and also glad that I feel the same way as him. He said in Chinese way:" You are truly the worm of my stomach! (means you understand/know me inside out)"
I feel sorry for my parents' marriage. They should have divorced long time ago, but for many reasons they didn't. My dad wants/needs a wife who is traditional, calm, who is willing to put family/husband first and classic. My mom is a woman who is headstrong, wants her own money, own freedom, own actives, own pride. My dad and I share similar personality. We love similar things and hurt by similar things. With my mom as this important role in both of our lives, we understand each other well. I want a loving mom who support me and have my back. My dad wants a loving wife who support him and have his back. We both didn't get what we want. And we couldn't tell my mom how we really feel now 'cause she is sick.
We both wish my mom the best and will try our best to save her life. But she has to understand how we feel once she gets well. I don't know how to make her understand 'cause with my mom that she always think she is right. Never ever tried to ask herself if there is anything wrong with her. I could picture her instant think I am ganging up with my dad to against her instead of thinking about if anything we say is true.
I told my dad that I already decided if the unfortunate happens, I want my dad to find what he really wants/needs, the person who understand him, support him and care about him.
At this point, of course I still want my mom to have the full recovery, but I won't be devastate if the unfortunate happens. I will be very sad, will miss her, but I will move on and be fine. I wish my mom the best, and also wish my dad the best.