They said there is the typhoon, but it isn't as strong as I thought it would be. It is a god thing for me and Sean who lives next room 'cause there wasn't any leak of rain to our room. Today's writing is the journal of the weekend. I was unhappy the Friday afternoon. Mr. Carrot suppose to meet me, but he forget. He is always like that, I am really disappointed. And, Saturday was bad too. I went to gather this month's rent at house no.1, and was told by the strange David that I am a mess up. It was funny that he was the one asked for help, and I didn't say I am not willing to help. The truth is I am not able to help. And because of that, I am a mess up in his eyes. I was really mad when he said that. I haven't been mad that much for many years, and I could feel the muscles of my face was shaking. Somehow that reminded me my mom. Her face will be shaking too when she is really mad. And it doesn't looks pretty at all. I must looked horrible as well. I am getting more and more disappointed about my looks now. I don't know it is because I am really getting old or just in my mind. When I was arguing with David, I really felt wronged. I am a woman alone far from home too, but how many people know or care why I am afraid of being alone and easy to be depressed? I am not doing well this couple years. My study, job, relationship, life, nothing is doing well. It has been so long that I am almost use to it. But I don't want live like this anymore in my heart. I am so tired of this place, this country, and everyone over here. I went out for lunch with Miss Popular. I am happy she is back, and happy I still have a friend in my life that we can complain about life, about man. We talked about Mr. Young. I just explained the whole thing very simply。 What can I say? I still qualm about him and couldn't get him out fast enough. I can't get over that fast. I still hurts by Mr. AH after he cheated on my then dumped by him a year and half ago. That feeling of being hurt is like the wound on my wrist: You can't see any of them from far, like they were never there, but if you look close, they look still fresh. The breakup with Mr. Young was kind of muddy. I don't even know the true reason, and I let my guess became the reality. I rather believe the reason is because I hurt him too much and he doesn't want to waste time on me anymore. If that's not the real reason, I don't want to know the truth. Some truths don't bring any happiness. Monday, Mr.Carrot was with me the whole day. I enjoyed it. But I know, this kind of day is only 1 out of 10. For now, it's better to have 1 out of 10 than none. | 本來説是要來的颱風,沒有想象中的那麽強烈。對我和隔壁的SEAN來説是件可喜可賀的事情,因爲房間都沒有漏雨。 今天寫的,其實也就是周末的日記。 星期五的時候,下午很不高興。明明和我約好了的正,卻忘記了和我的約定。他老是這樣,我真得很失望。 星期六晚上去一棟要房租。很莫名其妙的被哪個怪怪的DAVID說我很混。明明就是他求人幫忙,我也沒有說不幫忙,而是真的沒有辦法幫他;結果就被說很混。當時,真的是氣得要命。很多年都沒有那麽氣過了,當時自己都明顯的感覺到臉部的肌肉在顫動,眼前就浮現出媽媽生氣的樣子,也是臉部肌肉在顫動,那樣子的媽媽很不好看。我就在想當時的我,也很不好看吧。我對自己的外表越來越失望了,不知道是心態的變化,還是真的老了。 和DAVID吵架時,我真的心裏覺得很委屈。我也是一個人在外面的女人,可是卻又有多少人知道我爲什麽那麽怕孤獨,那麽容易DEPRESS嗎?這幾年,我過得很不好。學業,事業,感情,生活,我都過得很不好。可是長久了,反而好像習慣了。心裏卻很不想再過這樣的日子,我已經很厭倦了這個城市,這個國家,這裡的人。 星期天和真衣出去吃飯,聊天。很高興她回來了,很高興生命中還有可以一起抱怨人生和男人的朋友。和她說到猛,我說得很簡單,也很片面。我能說什麽呢?現在的心情依然還在顧忌他,現在的心裏依然還有些放不下他。不要說猛了,離被君敏劈腿抛棄一年半有了,可是那時候的傷害就像留在我手腕上的刀痕一樣,仿佛消失了,卻在細看一下,卻那麽的清晰。和猛的分手,是那樣的不明不白,我不知道爲什麽分手,只能讓自己的猜測成爲現實。我情願相信真的是因爲我對他的傷害和他對自己將來的夢想而分手,如果不是,請上天永遠不要告訴我那個秘密。那個我不知道會比較幸福的秘密。 星期一,正老老實實的陪了我一天,這樣真得挺好,但我知道,這樣的日子可能是1/10。不過,有,縂比沒有好。 |
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